$$$ Rapture Cash!! $$$

just_waiting
Originally uploaded by travelinjay.

Folks, there is now plenty of evidence to suggest that the end of the world is near. First, we saw God take out his anger on the boob-flashers in New Orleans, then he killed a bunch of pretty swans with the bird flu, and most recently he sent one of his most powerful henchmen to start shooting the elderly in the face.

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that when the rapture comes and all you good people are up in heaven listening to harp music and sipping champagne, I'll still be down here paying off my student loans. It seems that once you make a certain amount of blasphemous comments, you are denied entry into the wonderful country club in the sky, and I passed that threshold years ago. Besides, they won't let me in with these sandals on.

Ah, but there is good news! It turns out, due to a loophole in the rapture clause of the bible, although good people will be taken up to heaven, their pets must stay behind (something about dander allergies and poor air circulation up there). Anyway, with their owners gone, those pets need someone to take care of them, and that's where JesusPets.com enters the picture! They have created a program that matches up good christian pet owners with atheists like me who can take care of those pets when their owners fly away to heaven! FOR COLD HARD CASH!!!

I can't believe I didn't think of this! It's easy money! My student loans will be paid off in no time!

My original plan was to just run around looting, but I was never quite comfortable with that. Even godless heathens have some scruples. This pet thing is ethical AND lucrative!

Now I can't wait for the rapture!